Co-Parenting with an Abusive Ex

How to Navigate the Difficulties of Co-Parenting with an Ex who is Abusive or Narcissistic

A few weeks ago, I was asked to participate as a part of a panel-led discussion for an event called “Women and New Beginnings” which was hosted by Eronn Putman of The Putman Firm in Houston.  The event would highlight the legal, mental health, and real-life perspectives of ending a relationship.  The panel would consist of an attorney, financial specialist, podcaster, therapist, and people with real-life experience. That event happened this past weekend, and one of the major themes that came up was how to move forward and co-parent when your relationship included domestic violence.

For most people who have experienced domestic violence, the choice to end an abusive relationship is not an easy one, nor does it always mean the “end” of the relationship or the abuse. Quite the opposite, the abuse can actually escalate, increasing in both severity and duration, as the person who perpetrated the abuse attempts to take back control. If there are children involved, they often become tools for the abuser and a way for them to reach the victim and continue their manipulation and terror.  It can feel powerless to be in a situation where you are still tied to your abuser, where you are still subjected to threats and harassment, verbal and emotional abuse, concerns for your and your children’s safety, still having to interact with them sometimes on a daily basis.

The panel that I was a part of shared some great tips for navigating the co-parenting gig when the other parent exhibited these behaviors and traits, and I thought they’d make for the perfect blog series.  In this and future blog posts, I’ll be writing about the how the following strategies can help make co-parenting with an abuser a little less crazy and a lot more safe:

Minimizing contact

Knowing your rights

Setting realistic expectations

Seeking support

One of the first things I recommend to people who are co-parenting with an abusive or narcissistic ex is to minimize exposure and contact. This one might be hard to do, but when it works, it can help a ton.  There are a few ways you can do this.  The first is to communicate only in writing – either via text, email, or through a court-friendly website platform such as Our Family Wizard.  Written communication can decrease the likeliness that the other parent will use threats or harassment or other abusive language and actions.  And if they do try any of this stuff, you have documentation that you can show to your attorney or to the court.

If communicating in writing is not always possible, and you find that you must talk to the other parent on the phone, I recommend cutting the conversation off as soon as it changes from talking about the kids, or as soon as they start making threats or verbal cut downs. Resist the urge to engage in a back and forth, as this will only further serve the abuser or narcissist’s purpose of getting under your skin and regaining the upper hand.  Even responding with a “please stop” or “don’t call me again unless it’s about the kids” can keep it going.

I like to think about this part as if the two parties are playing a game of volleyball.

As long as the back and forth communication keeps going, the ball is still in play.  If one person decides to stop engaging, or to let the ball drop, you no longer have a game.  It’s true that the abuser will likely find more balls to hurl your way, but the longer you hold out and remain silent, the greater the chance they’ll eventually walk away from the net, realizing that the game is over, and you’ll be back in control.

Another creative way to minimize contact is to enlist the help of friends and family members. If someone on your side of the fence is willing to be the point person for custody exchanges, or at least go with you, it can minimize the chances for things to get out of control, and can help reduce anxiety that you have about being face to face with your ex again. If you don’t have anyone on your side to help you with this, and you have a connection with one of your ex’s relatives, that could be another option.  I always caution people to be wary here, though, because more often than not, your ex’s family is going to take their side.  This doesn’t happen 100% of the time, but I do see it more often than not. So before you move forward with this idea, make sure its safe to do so.

Finally, I always recommend that the visitation exchange take place somewhere public, somewhere out in the open with other people around.

A key trait of abusers or narcissists is that they want to be seen in good light… they know how to be charming, and they know when to turn it on and when to turn if off.  It’s a big part of what keeps the imbalance of power and control going, and its why so many people might seem confused when there is an allegation of abuse made against them.  Using this to your advantage when doing drop offs can mean the difference between having to listen to threats or the possibility of a big blow up, and an exchange that goes smoother and without (or with less severe) incident.  For some people, I even recommend doing drop offs in the parking lot of the police station. It might seem extreme, and I’ve heard from some that they think it can be too much for their kids to go through. I actually believe the opposite, though. Doing custody exchanges at your local PD can drastically reduce conflict and minimize safety risks, thereby reducing negative exposure to your kids.  So its not only safer, but also healthier in the long run for your kids.

That’s it for part one of how to co-parent with an abusive ex-partner.  Unfortunately, we know that the abuse does not always stop when deciding to end the relationship, but minimizing contact can reduce the risk of exposure to unsafe meetings, threatening and harassing communication, and blowups that cause you more headaches and lead to second guessing yourself.  Be sure to check back in a few weeks for part two of this blog series, where I’ll talk more about how to deal the rollercoaster of emotions that come with trying to co-parent with someone whose primary goal is to cause chaos.